Don't play fair

By Dr Henry Cloud

The problem is that operating by the principle of playing fair, all it takes for any relationship to go sour is for one person not to per­form, then the other one will do the same. There is an interlocking dependency: the other person must be good so I can be good. In this kind of dynamic, we need the other person to be loving in order for us to love them, or to behave maturely in order for us to behave maturely toward them. And no one ever performs perfect­ly, so that is why all it takes to drag a relationship down is one fail­ure. Under the “play fair” system, deterioration is inevitable. See if these examples sound familiar:

• One person is a little withdrawn, so the other feels aban­doned and gives the silent treatment.
• One person is a little sarcastic, so the other one is sarcastic back.
• One person gets a little angry, so the other one snaps back.

GETTING BEYOND JUST FAIR

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sin­ners’ lend to ‘sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them with­out expecting to get anything back. (LUKE 6:32-35)

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (ROMANS 12:17-18)

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (ROMANS 12:21)

The answer is very simple, and very hard to do. It is the way of déjà vu people:
Give back better than you are given.

People who succeed in life do not go around settling scores. They do not even keep score. They “run up the score” by doing good to others, even when the others do not deserve it. They give them better than they are given. And as a result, they often bring the other person up to their level instead of being brought down to the level of the other. They are a redemptive force carrying a good infection wher­ever they go, infusing relationships with health; infusing businesses with health; and infusing communities with health. They change things for the better. They give back better than they are given.

1. Get Rid of Anger

Successful people know this. They do not blast people with anger. They take a third route, which is using their anger to let the other person know that there is a problem. Then, they go and solve the problem by approaching the person in love, not anger, and facing the issue at hand. This is what we discussed in the last chapter, on hating wisely. Successful people make their anger objective, and its object is the problem, not the person. They are not doormats at all. But they fix problems in a way that treats the other person better than the other person treats them. In so doing they become allies with the person to solve the problem instead of enemies trying to win. You just do not see people who are successful in the true sense of the word who are hotheads and have never gotten control of their anger. The successful ones do not let anger spoil relation­ships. They agree with Solomon: “It is to a man’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel” (Proverbs 20:3).

2. Ask Yourself What Is Helpful

3. Get Past Your Own Need

Successful people see life as a place to give, and as a by-product of giving, they receive back in the end. They are not giving just to get something back, but that is what happens. When a person takes the high road and helps a wayward spouse, sibling, partner, or friend mature through love and enforcing limits, they often get a mature spouse, sibling, partner, or friend in the end as the reward for their sacrifice. By “losing our life” as Jesus put it, we “gain it.” But to demand it in the beginning, we lose it. The high road that leads to payoff is always the one that begins with sacrifice. That may not be fair, but it’s true. So, become responsible for getting what you need and main­taining your own emotional health so that the other person cannot drag you into the gutter. If you keep your feet solidly on the high road, you will be able to drag him or her up. It is like when the flight attendant tells you to first put on your own oxygen mask before helping a child put on hers. You cannot help another if you are deprived of the thing you need.

4. Sometimes Love Takes a Person to a Higher Level

Solomon tells us that “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). This wise father knew that principle, and it worked for him. But to make it work, he had to get past himself and his natural instinct to dish out what he was being given, even though his daughter “deserved” it. Not giving others what they deserve is a big part of not playing fair. To give them better than they deserve is what the Bible calls grace. The word means unmerited favor. It describes how God treats us. Sometimes, as we said above, it means that we give some­one loving limits and consequences if other things have not worked. But often, limits are not needed; only a little softness is.

5. Ask How You Have Contributed

6. Give the Opposite

Remember, it is not a good thing to water a plant that you do not want or to fuel a fire that can burn you. Do not feed the bad, destructive things, but instead sow exactly the opposite. Do not let the other person get away with hurting you. That is not good either for you or him. But avoid sowing more bad behavior into the rela­tionship. That is self-defeating.

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND

Déjà vu people are not interested in settling the score or getting even. Revenge is for immature people, and they know that ultimately the offending person is going to get what he deserves without his need­ing to bring it about. God and the universe have a way of making that happen, as does also the natural law of sowing and reaping. But even this ultimate payback is not something that déjà vu people wish on another person, and that is the true hallmark of their char­acter. They truly want the best for others, even those who do not do well by them. Solomon expressed that kind of character in this way:

Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice, or the LORD will see and disapprove and turn his wrath away from him. (Proverbs 24:17-18)