My daily bread, my dwelling place..

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Lowest of the lowest

Totally not on top of the world, not even at half the level, more like at the valley, the bottom most. The phone call I got on the 22 Jan 08 left me all stunned and shocked. My heart could not help but beating fast. The news which was broken to me sounded unbearable, I needed to go back home as fast as I could. But at the same time, I do not know if there is of much help if I were back. Me & J rushed to the airport, but we missed the SQ flight, tried another alternative, but will need to transfer to KL before reaching Pg. Tho I know that I'll be home late, even midnight time, but I do not care, I needed to go home, to see her.

Everyone was shocked, everyone! The unpredictable news left everyone heart broken. Never did I thought that a little girl as small as 9 years 9 months will leave the world so early, that none of us ever expected such things will happen to her, as early. We all know that to the Drs, the disease was incurable, but we kept our faith strong. Tho at time, we shatterred, and even doubted Him, she never! never once!

Til the last moments of her life, she never once blamed God. To her, her Abba Father has healed her. Even the every minute before she was home to be with the Lord, she utterred words of encouragement " Mom, dont cry, I'm fine...". I really wonder, how could this little one be of such strong faith. Even myself sometimes blamed the Lord, when things do not go my way, but never once did she complain. I was truly astonished.

Like her Pastor daddy said, shes truly a fighter. She endured the pain in her abdominal region, the pain on her liver due to metastases.But she never once complaint. Instead, she said " Satan, has brought pain to me, Go away!" There is indeed no word to describe her. As young as she may be, her faith is as high as the mountain, and as deep as the ocean.

One 24 Jan 08, she was cremated. Called home to be with the Lord, many saw her playing with little children up in the heaven. Even me myself believed that she is in good hands now. Tho as much as we love her, the Lord loves her even more, much more. As her dear friend SC told me the moment she breathe her last breath, keep walking, keep walking straight, and hold unto Jesus. She breathe deep, as if though trying to catch up with somemore, hold His hand, and then breath her last breath. We all know that she has caught hold of Jesus' hands.

There is not doubt that we will miss her. We cant even doubt that we may cry, that grief is often inevitable. But we have hope, she as brought hope to us, a testimony for us, for we needed a relationship with Christ as what she has done. That in the walks with Christ, never doubt Him, never blame Him, for He knows whats best for us. Her favourite verse...

Psa 23:1 The LORD [is] my shepherd; I shall not want.
Psa 23:2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
Psa 23:3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Psa 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Psa 23:5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Psa 23:6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Temwork multiplies your talent

By Dr John C Maxwell

Teamwork Truth


The Law of Significance, which says, “One is too small a number to achieve greatness.” If you want to do anything of value, teamwork is required. Teamwork not only allows a person to do what he couldn’t otherwise do; it also has a compounding effect on all he possesses—including talent. If you believe one person is a work of God (which I do), then a group of talented people committed to working together is a work of art. Whatever your vision or desire, teamwork makes the dream work.

1. Teamwork Divides the Effort and Multiplies the Effect

Would you like to get better results from less work? I think everyone would. That’s what teamwork provides. In his book Jesus on Leadership, C. Gene Wilkes describes why teamwork is superior to individual effort:

a) Teams involve more people, thus affording more resources, ideas, and energy than an individual possesses.
b) Teams maximize a leader’s potential and minimize her weaknesses. Strengths and weaknesses are more exposed in individuals.
c) Teams provide multiple perspectives on how to meet a need or reach a goal, thus devising several alternatives for each situation. Individual insight is seldom as broad and deep as a group’s when it takes on a problem.
d) Teams share the credit for victories and the blame for losses. This fosters genuine humility and authentic community. Individuals take credit and blame alone. This fosters pride and sometimes a sense of failure.
e) Teams keep leaders accountable for the goal. Individuals connected to no one can change the goal without accountability.
f) Teams can simply do more than an individual.

It’s common sense that people working together can do more than an individual working alone. So why are some people reluctant to engage in teamwork? It can be difficult in the beginning. Teams don’t usually come together and develop on their own. They require leadership and cooperation. While that may be more work on the front end, the dividends it pays on the back end are tremendous and well worth the effort.

2. Talent Wins Games, but Teamwork Wins Championships

A sign in the New England Patriots’ locker room states, “Individuals play the game, but teams win championships.” Obviously the Patriot players understand this. Over a four-year period, they won the Super Bowl three times.

Teams that repeatedly win championships are models of teamwork. For more than two decades, the Boston Celtics dominated the NBA. Their team has won more championships than any other in NBA history, and at one point during the fifties and sixties, the Celtics won eight championships in a row. During their run, the Celtics never had a player lead the league in scoring. Red Auerbach, who coached the Celtics and then later moved to their front office, always emphasized teamwork. He asserted, “One person seeking glory doesn’t accomplish much; everything we’ve done has been the result of people working together to meet our common goals.”

It’s easy to see the fruit of teamwork in sports. But it is at least as important in business. Harold S. Geneen, who was director, president, and CEO of ITT for twenty years, observed, “The essence of leadership is the ability to inspire others to work together as a team—to stretch for a common objective.” If you want to perform at the highest possible level, you need to be part of a team.

3. Teamwork Is Not About You

The Harvard Business School recognizes a team as a small number of people with complementary skills who are committed to a common purpose, performance goals, and approach for which they hold themselves mutually accountable. Getting those people to work together is sometimes a challenge. It requires good leadership. And the more talented the team members, the better the leadership that is needed. The true measure of team leadership is not getting people to work. Neither is it getting people to work hard. The true measure of a leader is getting people to work hard together!
I’ve studied exceptional team leaders and coaches. Here are what just a few say about getting people to work together:

PAUL “BEAR” BRYANT, legendary Alabama football coach: “In order to have a winner, the team must have a feeling of unity. Every player must put the team first ahead of personal glory.”

BUD WlLKINSON, author of The Book of Football Wisdom: “If a team is to reach its potential, each player must be willing to subordinate his personal goals to the good of the team.”

Lou HOLTZ, coach of college football national championship teams: “The freedom to do your own thing ends when you have obligations and responsibilities. If you want to fail yourself—you can—but you cannot do your own thing if you have responsibilities to team members.”

MICHAEL JORDAN, most talented basketball player of all time and six-time world champion: “There are plenty of teams in every sport that have great players and never win titles. Most of the time, those players aren’t willing to sacrifice for the greater good of the team. The funny thing is, in the end, their unwillingness to sacrifice only makes individual goals more difficult to achieve. One thing I believe to the fullest is that if you think and achieve as a team, the individual accolades will take care of themselves. Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence win championships.”

All great teams are the result of their players making decisions based on what’s best for the rest. That’s true in sports, business, the military, and volunteer organizations. And it’s true at every level, from the part-time support person to the coach or CEO. The best leaders also put their team first. C. Gene Wilkes observes,

Team leaders genuinely believe that they do not have all the answers— so they do not insist on providing them. They believe they do not need to make all key decisions—so they do not do so. They believe they cannot succeed without the combined contributions of all the other members of the team to a common end—so they avoid any action that might constrain inputs or intimidate anyone on the team. Ego is not their predominant concern.

Highly talented teams possess players with strong egos. One secret of successful teamwork is converting individual ego into team confidence, individual sacrifice, and synergy. Pat Riley, NBA champion coach, says, “Teamwork requires that everyone’s efforts flow in a single direction. Feelings of significance happen when a team’s energy takes on a life of its own.”

4. Great Teams Create Community

All effective teams create an environment where relationships grow and teammates become connected to one another. To use a term that is currently popular, they create a sense of community. That environment of community is based on trust. Little can be accomplished without it.

On good teams, trust is a nonnegotiable. On winning teams, players extend trust to one another. Initially that is a risk because their trust can be violated and they can be hurt. At the same time that they are giving trust freely, they conduct themselves in such a way to earn trust from others. They hold themselves to a high standard. When everyone gives freely and bonds of trust develop and are tested over time, players begin to have faith in one another. They believe that the person next to them will act with consistency, keep commitments, maintain confidences, and support others. The stronger the sense of community becomes, the greater their potential to work together.

Developing a sense of community in a team does not mean there is no conflict. All teams experience disagreements. All relationships have tension. But you can work them out. My friend Bill Hybels, who leads a congregation of more than twenty thousand people, acknowledges this:

The popular concept of unity is a fantasy land where disagreements never surface and contrary opinions are never stated with force. Instead of unity, we use the word community. We say, “Let’s not pretend we never disagree. We’re dealing with the lives of 16,000 people [at the time]. The stakes are high. Let’s not have people hiding their concerns to protect a false notion of unity. Let’s face the disagreement and deal with it in a good way.”

The mark of community… is not the absence of conflict. It’s the presence of a reconciling spirit. I can have a rough-and-tumble leadership meeting with someone, but because we’re committed to the community, we can still leave, slapping each other on the back, saying, “I’m glad we’re still on the same team.” We know no one’s bailing out just because of a conflicting position.

When a team shares a strong sense of community, team members can resolve conflicts without dissolving relationships.

5. Adding Value to Others Adds Value to You

“My husband and I have a very happy marriage,” a woman bragged. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him, and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me. And that’s the way we go through life—doing nothing for each other!” That kind of attitude is a certain road to disaster for any team—including a married couple.

Too often people join a team for their personal benefit. They want a supporting cast so that they can be the star. But that attitude hurts the team. When even the most talented person has a mind to serve, special things can happen. Former NBA great Magic Johnson paraphrased John E Kennedy when he stated, “Ask not what your teammates can do for you. Ask what you can do for your teammates.” That wasn’t just talk for Johnson. Over the course of his career with the Los Angeles Lakers, he started in every position during championship games to help his team.

U.S. president Woodrow Wilson asserted, “You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and to impoverish yourself if you forget the errand.” People who take advantage of others inevitably fail in business and relationships. If you desire to succeed, then live by these four simple words: add value to others. That philosophy will take you far.

TALENT + TEAMWORK = A TALENT-PLUS PERSON PUTTING THE TALENT-PLUS FORMULA INTO ACTION

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Our need for separateness

By Dr John Townsend

Many Christians who are deeply attached to others find that the pages of their lives are often earmarked with a sense of being overwhelmed by the demands of life. They experience problems in “keeping up,” or of feeling controlled by the needs and crises of others. They have difficulty filtering out others’ needs from their own. Our second developmental need involves the quality of being separate, maturing our will, and setting boundaries.

WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?


Boundaries are another way to refer to ownership, or stewardship, or responsibility. Remember the cattle brands of the Old West? Successful ranchers burned a unique marking onto the hide of each cow. It was a good system. If a fence broke, and the ani­mals from neighboring ranches mingled, the owners could easily sort out which animals were theirs and which weren’t. Without brands, the confusion over who owned what would have been overwhelming.

Boundaries are our own personal “brand.” They’re a way for us to identify ownership. They tell us what is ours, and—just as importantly—what isn’t. People with poor boundaries find themselves continually taking on problems that aren’t theirs and neglecting their own. After taking on everyone else’s problems. there’s no time for their own.

Boundaries are foundational to a sense of identity. They give us a clear sense of where “who I am” begins and ends. This is essential for us to be able to love. People who aren’t clear about their own thoughts, feelings, values, motivations, and behavior can never be sure if some sacrificial act they are performing for someone else was done freely, or out of a sense of obligation, fear, or guilt. (Those acts should be done freely, if they’re motivated out of a sense of loving God or others.) Clear boundaries are a gateway to a loving heart.

BOUNDARIES AND GOD

Much of the Bible is a portrait of the character of God, a way to put Him into word pictures that we can carry in our heads. When God describes Himself, He does so in two ways: positively—what He is; and negatively—what He isn’t. If you’ve ever been with people who “like everything.” you’ve probably had the experience of not feeling that you really knew who they were. Any restaurant, any movie, any opinion is fine with them. This trait may appear to be open-mindedness, but more often than not it’s a sign that these individuals lack a clearly defined sense of self. It’s been said that people who are too open-minded need to be careful—their brains might fall out.

This is one reason why both sides of God’s self-descriptions are presented in the Scriptures.
First, God makes positive self-statements. He describes Him­self as holy, loving, just, and compassionate, to name a few char­acter traits. These qualities cover a wide range of aspects of His personality. God’s self-description isn’t only positive, however, He also tells us what He is not, so that we can judge if someone or some­thing isn’t from Him. For example: God has no part in evil. He hates lying tongues and lovers of violence, He isn’t a man. With­out these “not” assertions, He would be the god of pantheism (or the “New Age”], which asserts that God exists as the creation as well as the creator.

These “nots” are the boundaries of God; they are His method of letting us know Him. In fact, God’s essence in the Trinity also has boundaries. In some mysterious way, He exists in the Father, Son, and Spirit, united and yet uniquely distinct—one God in three persons.
There is a great deal of comfort for us in understanding God’s boundaries. They help us trust Him, because we know where He stands on issues. Because God’s yes is yes, and His no is no. we don’t have to worry that He’ll tell us His opinions in indirect, passive-aggressive ways.

BOUNDARIES AND US

We don’t have to stop with God’s nature to see the evidence of boundaries—we simply have to observe His creation. Our own nature reflects the same principle. The Bible refers to that prin­ciple as “stewardship.” Many Christians struggle with constantly feeling “drawn and quartered” by the needs and demands of others. Some people feel as if they can’t get to their own tasks because the crises of others keep getting in the way. This reflects a conflict in stewardship. A steward is an administrator, or director, of people or prop­erty. He can be responsible for the care and maintenance of a Fortune 500 company, a garden, or a family. Stewardship is about responsibility. The buck stops with the steward.

God has made us all stewards of certain things in our lives for which no one else can take responsibility. How we conduct our lives on earth, for example, is one aspect of our stewardship. As Paul puts it, “For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may be recompensed for his deeds in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad” (2 Corinthians 5:10). The message here is that all of us will answer, in some fash­ion, for how we’ve lived. Ultimately there will be no one on whom we can blame the directions our lives took, whether toward or away from love.

More specifically, stewardship also means that we are respon­sible for several aspects of what goes on in our lives. Exam­ples of things that have our “brand” on them include our time, money, feelings, opinions, thoughts, actions, values, and gifts and abilities. We have been given these aspects of life to help us in surviving and to help others survive. Our task is to nurture and develop these aspects of ourselves and use them responsibly. The unwise servant’s wasting of the master’s talents is a picture of the life spent not utilizing the gifts of God. But that’s not all of stewardship. The second important aspect of this principle is that the good steward knows what is not his responsibility. He knows when a problem needs to be delegated, or isn’t a high enough priority, or is simply someone else’s. Good administrators have the ability to know what the most effective use of their time is. They know what to say no to. Poor adminis­trators say yes to too much, and end up with missed deadlines, angry coworkers, and poor track records.

It’s not easy to distinguish what’s ours and what isn’t. Dr. Howard Hendricks, a renowned speaker and seminary professor in the area of Christian leadership development, tells his classes, “For every invitation to speak that I accept, I have to turn down forty. These aren’t forty bad invitations. They’re generally places where there’s a real need, where I’d love to speak.” Clear boundaries help us decide what is ours, and what isn’t. They lead to good stewardship over our lives. Without an accurate sense of our limits, our lives will resemble a “double-minded man, unstable in all his ways” (James 1:8).

Next to bonding deficits, the problem of unclear boundaries is probably the most serious cause of emotional and spiritual struggles experienced by Christians today. Depression, anxiety, feelings of powerlessness and helplessness, a diffused sense of identity and direction, and codependency problems are all linked to boundary deficits.

THE KNAPSACK AND THE BOULDER

Let’s look at a biblical principle of how to set responsible bounda­ries. The Apostle Paul gives us a key:

Brethren, even if a man is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. But let each one examine his own work, and then he will have reason for boasting in regard to him­self alone, and not in regard to another. For each one shall bear his own load, (Galatians 6:1-5)

It’s easy to be confused by this passage. Paul is discussing our responsibilities, and he seems to be saying, “Take care of each other” (verse 2) and “take care of yourself” (verse 5). I know many Christians whose lives are marked by fruitless attempts to take care of everyone in their lives as well as themselves. But that’s not what the verses say. The Greek word for burden in verse 2 means “overwhelming load.” It’s a picture of a gigantic boulder crushing the back of a hurting person. Boulders represent deep, catastrophic losses in our lives—family and marital losses, financial devastation, physi­cal illnesses, and so on. When a person has a boulder, he is ren­dered helpless, unable to pick himself up and move on. He stays in an injured state. We are to look out for each other’s boulders in the Body of Christ. When one of us is “crushed,” those of us with something to offer are to swarm around the hurt individual and love, support, and encourage her. This is being responsible to each other.

The Greek word in verse 5 for load is different— it means “knapsack.” What is a knapsack for? It carries whatever daily essentials the hiker needs to make it through the day. A knapsack is an individual affair. It’s only for the carrier. And each person is to carry his own. No one can take my knapsack for me — and I can’t take on anyone else’s. This is being responsible for ourselves.
Look back at the aspects of what we’re responsible for— our time, money, feelings, and the like. These are the “supplies” that go in the knapsack. We are to take full ownership of these things. And, just as importantly, we can’t take ownership over anyone else’s knapsack items—even if we want to. Even if we’re asked to.

Boundary conflicts happen when Hiker A tires of his knap­sack and wants a free ride. Hiker B, wanting to be caring, takes it on. After a few miles, two things happen. First, Hiker A learns it’s a lot of fun not to have to be responsible to pay his own rent, find a job, or take responsibility for his own happiness. Second, Hiker B shifts from love to resentment to bitterness as he takes on the impossible task of being responsible for another person’s life.

Many families are built on this conflict. One member of the family controls the other members by such messages as, “If you separate from me mentally or physically, I’ll become depressed, lonely, or die — and it will be your fault.” This member is making the others responsible for his or her inability to be alone, or to cultivate friendships.

Jesus’ parable of the good Samaritan makes the “knapsack ­boulder” issue clear. The Samaritan helped the victimized man with his boulder: stripped and half-dead, lying by the side of the road. Yet he didn’t take him to his home—he took him to an inn, a temporary residence. The idea is that when the victim had recovered, he was again on his own. With his own knapsack.

Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings never works, because it deprives them of learning from the consequences of their behavior. Consequences are our teacher—they show us that driving too fast brings tickets, and that waiting too long to finish a project brings failure. It’s what the writer of Hebrews refers to as “practice”: “But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil” (Hebrews 5:14).

The more we practice, make mistakes, and fail, the more we learn from the mistakes. But the irresponsible person who is chronically spared the consequences of his behavior by the “loving” friend is denied the gift of learning, and never matures. I know a woman whose alcoholic husband had been a prob­lem drinker for twenty years. She couldn’t understand why her continuous nagging hadn’t brought him to repentance. It wasn’t until she realized that she was taking responsibility for him that she herself began repenting, and he began recovering. How had she been taking responsibility? She was budgeting for his liquor in the weekly grocery list!

She realized she was training him to put up with the nagging and hold on until she brought the groceries home. But when she began saying “no” to his use of family money for drinking, and began setting more limits on his irresponsibility, he came out of his denial and began getting help.

BOUNDARY DEFICITS

People with healthy boundaries can say yes to the good and no to the bad. They are just as free to say no to someone they love as they are to say yes. That’s because love is impossible without freedom. The person who is saying yes to someone else’s demands because of a fear of hurting their feelings, or a fear of emotional withdrawal, cannot be loving.

Love and fear cannot coexist, because fear removes the freedom not to love. That is, you can’t love someone if you don’t feel free not to love them. Love entails free choice, not forced compliance. That’s why John says that “perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). Saying yes to someone else because of fear is compliance, or people-pleasing, but it’s not love.

Jesus makes the same comparison between love and compli­ance. Quoting Hosea 6:6, He says. “I desire compassion and not sacrifice” (Matthew 9:13). God’s not interested in external acts performed because we are afraid. He wants an authentic, grateful, abiding love from us, because we know we are loved. People who have been injured in their ability to set clear boundaries tend to fail into two categories:

(1) those who take on others’ knapsacks and ignore their own:
(2) those who need others to take their knapsacks.

The first type tends to be giving, caring, over-responsible, and always behind schedule with their over-commitments. The sec­ond type presents either a needy, dependent style or a seductive style. And, strangely enough, these types are strongly drawn to each other!

Many marriages are typical of this boundary confusion. Why does this occur? Primarily because each type is looking for some­one to help repair the boundary injury. Over-responsible people find someone like their needy, dependent parents so that per­haps this time, “If I’m caring enough, my needs will be noticed.” Under-responsible people seek out a caretaker with the deep wish that the caretaker will put some limits on them and help them mature.

As long as these reasons aren’t understood, we don’t have opportunity to take responsibility for them. This is the primary reason most marriages get “stuck.” Whatever we aren’t aware of, we can’t repair. Boundary deficits can be deeply disabling to anyone, includ­ing Christians. People with unclear boundaries can find them­selves making commitments under pressure that they would never make with a clear head. They find themselves “caving in” to others. They have trouble speaking their mind. They are afraid to be honest and tell the truth. They often can’t protect themselves in injurious situations, such as being wrongly criticized. They are unable to stand firm and separate with their values, as Joshua did when he declared, “as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD” (24: 15).

Unclear boundaries can also lead to a lack of direction in life. Boundaries are the conveyors of our personal power. People whose boundaries are underdeveloped find themselves floating along in their careers or relationships with no sense of initiative or goals. The psychological fruits of these boundary problems can be devastating. Depression, anxiety, substance abuse, eating disor­ders, panic attacks, and identity disorders are a few of the results of boundary conflicts.

HOW TO REPAIR SEPARATENESS DEFICITS

If you can identify a problem in separateness, or in having clear boundaries—being a good steward of your knapsack—you are not alone. No one has perfect boundaries. At times we all take on what’s not ours, or don’t take on what is ours. God has provided help in repairing and developing our broken boundary-setting abilities. His resources involve skill-building. Just as we need to exercise and work with an atrophied leg after it comes out of its cast, setting appropriate boundaries is an ability we must learn. Here are some ways to develop boundaries:

1. Ask God to help you become a truth-teller, even of negative truth. Proverbs 10:18 tells us that “He who conceals hatred has lying lips.” Often, people with shaky boundaries may feel resentful about the supposed power of others over them, not realizing that they have given their power to those others. If they begin to feel they don’t have choices they will also feel angry and resentful. Often, the first step to reclaiming their “brand” is to admit the anger to themselves, God, and others.

2. Find people who celebrate your separateness. “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). Separateness helps relationships. It isn’t possible to learn to develop boundaries in isolation with unsupportive people. When we try. we repeat our original boundary injury. That is, we find ourselves in a controlling relationship with an unsupportive person and attempt to set a limit on the relation­ship. The person rejects it, and we find ourselves alone.

Most of us would choose being in a bad relationship rather than no relationship. We need to find maturing, caring people who will love our boundaries just as much as they love our attachment.
Here is an important litmus test for the quality of your rela­tionships. Ask yourself, “Do the people closest to me love my no as much as they love my yes?” If those closest to you affirm your compliance, but withdraw, throw tantrums, or attack when you set limits or have an opinion, there’s a problem. Your yes is being loved, but your no is not. If your no isn’t loved, then you aren’t, either.

Even God loves our no. He knows that without it, what wor­ship He’d get from us would be simply robotic compliance. He wants all to repent and be saved, but allows people to refuse Him: “The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance” (2 Peter 3:9). His love for our boundaries is a model for our finding people who will have boundaries with others.

3. Practice disagreement. Truth telling always involves dif­fering opinions. You can’t find out who you really are without first knowing who you aren’t. A sign that you’re beginning to set boundaries is that you will rock some boats. There’s most likely a problem if no one ever reacts negatively to you.

Jesus said, “Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for in the same way their fathers used to treat the false prophets” (Luke 6:26). It’s a disconcerting thought that for us to recover spiritually, some people will probably get upset with us! Yet these are usually people who have a difficult time relating to adults with boundaries of their own.

4. Take responsibility for your mistakes. People with boundary problems sometimes see themselves as out of control of their lives. They feel helpless to change their own problems and others’ treat­ment of them. This can lead to a blaming or rationalizing attitude. “If I can’t control my life, then my problems aren’t my fault,” might go the thinking. Taking stewardship over your life means learning to admit when your problems are the result of your irresponsibility rather than finding excuses. People who “own” their problems tend to mature much faster than those who excuse or transfer blame. The excuser has nothing to fix.

5. Learn to respect others’ separateness. One indication of a boundary deficit is an inability to live with the no of another. I once worked with a couple who experienced this problem. Every time the wife disagreed with the husband, he would head toward the door exclaiming. “That’s it! — the marriage isn’t going to work out.” Panicked, she would chase after him and apologize for the “sin” of having an opinion. After some work, she was able to sit quietly in the living room when he made his dramatic exit statements. And he never made it to the car before he returned to resume the discussion.

When we learn to accept another’s boundaries, we are say­ing, in effect, “If you don’t give me what I want, God and I will find another way to get my need met.” It keeps the other person out of a position of indispensability, which is actually a form of idolatry. If our needs to be understood, listened to, or loved can’t or won’t be met by the person we’d like, we are to find someone else to help meet that need. That’s why there is a multiplicity of believers in the Body of Christ: when one friend is busy, we are to call another. This allows us to support the boundary-setting freedom of others in the way we’d like to. If we want others to accept our freedom, we must respect theirs.

Learning separateness, and when it’s appropriate to set lim­its, begins early in childhood, but comes to full bloom in adoles­cence. People who have learned the lessons of this chapter regard­ing truth-telling, our separate identities, taking responsibility for mistakes, handling legitimate disagreement, and respecting the separateness of others, should take the time to develop these skills in their children as well. It will make the more difficult times of parenting later more fruitful, although not necessarily less painful.

Our ability to bond deeply with God and others, and our abil­ity to take biblical responsibility for ourselves, determines much of the quality and meaningfulness of our adult lives. These two needs for attachment and separateness can become important pathways to growth. But along the way, as we’ll see in chapter 6, a third developmental need emerges for the ability to accept the presence of good and bad in the world and in our lives. This is an important step toward understanding ourselves and others.

Depression

By Dr Gary R. Collins


FOLLOWING THE DEATH OF HIS WIFE, A WELL-KNOWN SOUTHERN Baptist preacher named Vance Havner published a diary of his experi­ences as he walked “through the valley of the shadow of death.” Chris­tian experience has three levels, Havner concluded. First there are “mountaintop days” when everything is going well and the world looks bright. But it is unrealistic to expect—as many people do—that we can spend life leaping from one mountain peak to another as if there were plains or valleys in between. “Ordinary days,” therefore, are those when we work at our usual tasks, neither elated nor depressed. Then, thirdly, there are the “dark days” when we trudge heavily through discourage­ment, despair, doubt and confusion. Sometimes these days string out into months or even years before we begin to experience a sense of relief and victory. When they persist, dark days are days of depression.

Depression (or melancholia, as it was once known) has been recog­nized as a common problem for more than 2,000 years. Recently, how­ever, it has come so much into public attention that some are calling our era the “age of melancholy,” in contrast to the “age of anxiety” which followed World War II. Depression is something which everyone experi­ences in some degree and at different times in life. An article in the Jour­nal of the American Medical Association once suggested that more human suffering has resulted from depression than from any other single disease affecting mankind. Depression has been considered as “by far the com­monest psychiatric symptom,” and one which is found both as as tempo­rary condition “in a normal person who has suffered a great personal disappointment” and as “the deep suicidal depression of a psychotic.”

The signs of depression include sadness, apathy and inertia which make it difficult to “get going” or to make decisions; loss of energy and fatigue which often are accompanied by insomnia; pessimism and hopelessness; fear; a negative self-concept often accompanied by self-criticism and feel­ings of guilt, shame, worthlessness and helplessness; a loss of interest in work, sex, and usual activities; a loss of spontaneity; difficulties in concen­tration; an inability to enjoy pleasurable events or activities; and often a loss of appetite. In some cases, known as “masked depression,” the person denies that he or she feels sad, but sad events in one’s life accompanied by some of the above listed symptoms lead the counselor to suspect that depression is present behind a smiling countenance. In many cases the symptoms of depression hide anger which has not been expressed, some­times isn’t recognized and—according to traditional psychiatric theory— is turned inward against oneself.

Depressions can occur at any age (including infancy) and they come in various types. Reactive depression (sometimes called exogenous depres­sion), for example, comes as a reaction to some real or imagined loss or other life trauma. Endogenous depression seems to arise spontaneously from within and usually is found in the elderly. Psychotic depression in­volves intense despair and self-destructive attitudes, often accompanied by hallucinations and loss of contact with reality. Neurotic depression is mixed with high levels of anxiety. Some depressions are chronic—long ­lasting and resistant to treatment. Others are acute—intense but of short duration and often self-correcting. Many professionals would distinguish all of these from discouragement, which is a mild, usually temporary and almost universal mood swing which comes in response to disappointments, failures and losses.

All of this implies that depression is a common but complicated condi­tion, difficult to define, hard to describe with accuracy and not easy to treat.

The Bible and Depression

Depression, per Se, is a clinical term which is not discussed in the Bible. The psalmists, however, cried out in words which implied depression and there are several biblical descriptions which suggest depression. Consider, for example, Psalms 69, 88, or 102, but notice that these songs of despair are set in a context of hope. In Psalm 43 King David pro­claims both depression and rejoicing when he writes:

Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why are you disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him,
The help of my countenance, and my God.

Elsewhere in the Bible it appears that Job, Moses, Jonah, Peter and the whole nation of Israel experienced depression. Jeremiah the prophet wrote a whole book of lamentations. Elijah saw God’s mighty power at work on Mt. Carmel, but when Jezebel threatened murder, Elijah fled to the wilderness where he plunged into despondency. He wanted to die and might have done so except for the “treatment” that came from an angel sent by God.

Then there was Jesus in Gethsemane, where he was greatly distressed, an observation which is poignantly described in the words of the Ampli­fied Bible: “He began to show grief and distress of mind and was deeply depressed. Then He said to them, My soul is very sad and deeply grieved, so that I am almost dying of sorrow....”

Such examples, accompanied by numerous references to the pain of grieving, show the realism that characterizes the Bible. But this realistic despair is contrasted with a certain hope. Each of the believers who plunged into depression eventually came through and experienced a new and lasting joy. The biblical emphasis is less on human despair than on belief in God and the assurance of abundant life in heaven, if not on earth. Paul’s confident prayer for the Romans will someday be answered for all Christians:

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

The Causes of Depression

According to one psychologist, “the prevalence of depression in Amer­ica today is staggering. . . . Depression is the common cold of psycho­pathology and has touched the lives of us all, yet it is probably the most dimly understood and most inadequately investigated of all the major forms of psychopathology.” Nevertheless, investigators have identified a number of causes for this common condition—causes which, when un­derstood, can facilitate counseling.

1. Physical-Genetic Causes. Depression often has a physical basis. Lack of sheep and improper diet are among the simplest physical causes. Others, like the effects of drugs, low blood sugar and other chemical mal­functioning, brain tumors, or glandular disorders, are more complicated. Then there is research which has stressed the importance of the hypothala­mus in producing depression.

No matter how good one’s philosophy, no matter how well adjusted one has been, and no matter how ideal the environment may be, when there is a loss of hypothalamic energy, the person is depressed, feels helpless, and has no energy. . . . Only a return of normal neurohormonal energy in the hypothalamus can effect a resolution of the depressive mood.”

Although it is not conclusive, there is some evidence to show that se­vere depression runs in families. This has led to the conclusion that some people innately may be more prone to depression than others,” although it must be emphasized that depression in itself is not inherited like blue eyes and black hair.

2. Background Causes. Do childhood experiences lead to depression in later life? Some evidence would say “yes.” Many years ago, a researcher named Rene Spitz published a study of children who had been separated from their parents and raised in an institution. Deprived of continuing warm human contact with an adult, these children showed apathy, poor health, and sadness—all indicative of depression which could continue into later life. In addition, depression is more likely when parents blatantly or subtly reject their children or when status-seeking families set unrealis­tically high standards which children are unable to meet. When standards are too high, failure becomes inevitable and the person becomes depressed as a reaction to the marked discrepancy between goals and achievements. Such early experiences do not always lead to depression but they increase the likelihood of severe depression in later life.

3. Learned Helplessness. A more recent theory maintains that depres­sion comes when we encounter situations over which we have no control. When we learn that our actions are futile no matter how hard we try, that there is nothing we can do to relieve suffering, reach a goal or bring change, then depression is a common response. It conies when we feel helpless and give up trying. This might explain the prevalence of depres­sion in the grieving person who can do nothing to bring back a loved one, for example, or in the student who is unable to relate to his peers or succeed academically, or in the older person who is powerless to turn back the clock and restore lost physical capacities. When such people are able to control at least a portion of their environment, depression subsides and often disappears.

4. Negative Thinking. It takes almost no effort to slip into a pattern of negative thinking—seeing the dark side of life and overlooking the posi­tive. But negative thinking can lead to depression and when the depressed person continues to think negatively, more intense depression results.
According to psychiatrist Aaron Beck depressed people show negative thinking in three areas. First, they view the world and life experiences negatively. Life is seen as a succession of burdens, obstacles, and defeats in a world which is “going down the drain.” Second, many depressed peo­ple have a negative view of themselves. They feel deficient, inadequate, unworthy and incapable of performing adequately. This in turn can lead to self-blame and self-pity. Third, these people view the future in a nega­tive way. Looking ahead they see continuing hardship, frustration and hopelessness.

Is such negative thinking a cause of depression or is it a result of de­pression? The answer is probably both. Because of past experiences or previous training we begin to think negatively. This leads to depression which, as we have seen, can lead to more negative thinking. Such negative thinking sometimes can be used to control others. If there are people who think everything is bleak, others try to “back them up.” A comment, “I’m no good,” often is an unconscious way of getting others to say, “Oh, no, you really are a fine person.” Self-condemnation, there­fore, becomes a way of manipulating others to give compliments. But such comments aren’t really satisfying so the negative thinking and depression goes on. And if you keep thinking negatively, you are less likely to be hurt or disappointed if some of your thinking comes true.


5. Life Stress. It is well known that the stresses of life stimulate de­pression, especially when these stresses involve a loss. Loss of an oppor­tunity, a job, status, health, freedom, a contest, possessions or other valued objects can each lead to depression. Then there is the loss of people. Di­vorce, death, or prolonged separations are painful and known to be among the most effective depression-producing events of life.

6. Anger. The oldest, most common, and perhaps most widely ac­cepted explanation of depression is that it involves anger which is turned inward against oneself. Many children are raised in homes and sent to schools where the expression of anger is not tolerated. Some attend churches where anger is condemned as sin. Other people become con­vinced that they shouldn’t even feel angry so they deny hostile feelings when they do arise. A widow, for example, may be angry at her husband who died leaving her to raise the children alone, but such anger seems irrational and is sure to arouse guilt in the person who thinks such thoughts about the dead. As a result, the anger is denied and kept within.

Perhaps most anger begins when we feel hurt, because of a disap­pointment or because of the actions of some other person. Instead of ad­mitting this hurt, people mull over it, ponder what happened, and begin to get angry. The anger then builds and becomes so strong that it hides the hurt. If the anger is not admitted and expressed and dealt with, it then leads to revenge. This involves thoughts of hurting another person— either the one who caused the original hurt, or someone else who is nearby.

Revenge sometimes leads to destructive violent actions, but this can get us into trouble, and violence is not acceptable, especially for a Chris­tian. As a result, some people try to hide their feelings. This takes energy which wears down the body so that the emotions eventually come to the surface in the form of psychosomatic symptoms. Others, consciously or unconsciously, condemn themselves for their attitudes and become de­pressed as a result. This depression may be a form of emotional self-pun­ishment which sometimes even leads to suicide. It is easy to understand why such people feel that they are no good, guilty and unhappy.

Some people use their depression as a subtle and socially acceptable way both to express anger and to get revenge. Psychologist Roger Barrett describes this clearly.

Resentment . . . is the accumulation of unexpressed anger. And, resent­ment . . . is the most destructive emotion in human relationships and in personal well-being. . . . Some depressed clients.., wallow in depression as a means of hurting others, as if the depression itself becomes an in­direct expression of hostility. It’s almost as if they were saying, “I’m de­pressed and there’s nothing you can do about it, but it’s all your fault, and if you don’t give me attention and sympathy, I may get even more de­pressed or do something desperate.” It’s a kind of psychological blackmail.

Suicide attempts (which most often occur in depressed people) not infrequently have this characteristic. There’s a kind of “see what you made me do” or “now you’ll miss me” quality to the notes or communications surrounding the tragedy. They blame others for their bad feelings.

As the diagram shows, depression often hides underlying hurt, anger and resentment which then are often forgotten. It should be emphasized that this explanation does not account for all depression, but undoubtedly it explains some.

7. Guilt. It is not difficult to understand why guilt can lead to depres­sion. When a person feels that he or she has failed or has done something wrong, guilt arises and along with it comes self-condemnation, frustra­tion, hopelessness and other symptoms of depression. Guilt and depression so often occur together that it is difficult to determine which comes first. Perhaps in most cases guilt comes before depression but at times depres­sion will cause people to feel guilty (because they seem unable to “snap out” of the despair). In either case a vicious cycle is set in motion (guilt causes depression which causes more guilt, and soon).

The Effects of Depression

No one really enjoys having problems, but problems sometimes can serve a useful purpose. When we are physically sick, for example, we are excused from work, people shower us with attention or sympathy, others make decisions for us, or take over our responsibilities, and sometimes we can enjoy a period of leisure and relaxation. The same is true when we are emotionally down or distraught. Neurotic behavior, including depres­sion, may not be pleasant, but it does help us to avoid responsibilities, save face, attract attention, and have an excuse for inactivity. Eventually, how­ever, emotionally hurting people realize that the benefits of depression are not really satisfying. Such people begin to hate what they are doing and, in time, they often end up hating themselves. This, as we have seen, creates more depression. Depression leads to any or all of the following effects. In general, the deeper the depression the more intense the effects.

1. Unhappiness and Inefficiency. Depressed people often feel “blue,” hopeless, self-critical and miserable. As a result they lack enthusiasm, are indecisive, and sometimes have little energy for doing even simple things (like getting out of bed in the morning). Life thus is characterized by in­efficiency, underachievement and an increased dependence on others.

2. Masked Reactions. In some people, the depression is hidden even from themselves, but it comes out in other ways including physical symp­toms and complaints (hypochondriasis); aggressive actions and angry temper outbursts; impulsive behavior, including gambling, drinking, vio­lence, destructiveness or impulsive sex; accident proneness; compulsive work; and sexual problems, to name the most common. These symptoms of “masked depression” occur in children and adolescents as well as in adults. The person is smiling on the outside but hurting on the inside and expressing this hurt in ways which hide the real inner despair.

3. Withdrawal. When a person is discouraged, unmotivated, bored with life and lacking in self-confidence, there is often a desire to get away from others (since social contacts may be too demanding), to daydream, and to escape into a world of television, novels, alcohol or drug use. Some people dream of running away or finding a simpler job and a few even do this.

4. Suicide. Surely there is no more complete way to escape than to take one’s own life. Suicide and suicide attempts are especially prevalent in teenagers, people who live alone, the unmarried (especially the divorced), and persons who are depressed. Of course, not all depressed people at­tempt suicide but many do, often in a sincere attempt to kill themselves and escape life. For others, suicide attempts are an unconscious cry for help, an opportunity for revenge, or a manipulative gesture designed to influence some person who is close emotionally. While some suicide at­tempts are blatantly clear (as when a man leaves a note and shoots him­self), others are more subtle and are made to look like accidents. While some people carefully plan their self-destructive act, others drive reck­lessly, drink excessively, or find other ways to flirt with death.
All of this illustrates the pervasive and potentially destructive influence of depression. It is certain to appear repeatedly in the experience of every Christian counselor, and it is not the easiest condition to counsel success­fully.

Preventing Depression

Can depression be prevented? The answer probably is “no, not com­pletely.” We all experience disappointments, losses, rejections and failures which lead to periods of discouragement and unhappiness. For some peo­ple, these periods are rare and brief. For others, the depression is more prevalent and long-lasting. It may not be possible or even desirable to prevent times of discouragement, but long-lasting depressions are pre­ventable. There are several ways in which this can be done.

1. Trust in God. Writing from prison, the Apostle Paul once stated that he had learned to be content in all circumstances. Knowing that God gives us strength and can supply all of our needs, Paul had learned how to live joyfully, both in poverty and in prosperity. Through his experi­ences, and undoubtedly through a study of the Scriptures, Paul had learned to trust in God and this helped to prevent depression. As in the time of Paul, a conviction that God is alive and in control can give hope and en­couragement today, even when we are inclined to be discouraged and without hope. If modern people can learn this lesson, and if church leaders and Christian counselors can teach it, then discouragements need not hit as hard as they might hit otherwise.

2. Expect Discouragement. The second verse of a famous hymn pro­claims that “we should never be discouraged” if we take things to the Lord in prayer. This is a popular view for which there is no scriptural support. Jesus warned that we would have problems and the Apostle James wrote that trials and temptations would come to test our faith and teach us pa­tience. It is unrealistic to smile and laugh in such circumstances, pretend­ing that we’re never going to be discouraged.


Consider our Lord at the time of the crucifixion. He was “deeply dis­tressed” and openly acknowledged his agony. One can hardly imagine him smiling in Gethsemane or on the cross, trying to convince everyone that he was rejoicing and “bubbling over” with happiness. Jesus trusted in his Father, but he expected pain and wasn’t surprised when it came. When we are realistic enough to expect pain and informed enough to know that God is always in control, then we can handle discouragement better and often keep from slipping into deep depression.

3. Learn to Handle Anger and Guilt. Some people slide into depression because their minds dwell on past injustices or past failures. This may sound simplistic, but we must ask God to help us forget the past, to for­give those who have sinned against us, and to forgive ourselves. When people dwell on past events and wallow in anger, guilt, and the misery of discouragement, one wonders if such thinking serves some useful purpose. Churches can teach people to admit their anger or guilt and to show how these can be overcome (see chapters 8 and 9). If people can learn to handle their anger and guilt, much depression can be prevented.

4. Challenge Thinking. If it is true, as some have suggested, that we each silently talk to ourselves all day, then people should be encouraged to notice what is being said. If I decide, for example, that I am incompe­tent, then I need to ask, “What is the evidence for this? In what areas am I incompetent? Is it bad to be incompetent in some things? How can I be­come more competent?” When we learn to challenge our own thinking, and that of others, this can also prevent or reduce the severity of depres­sion.


The Bible also talks about meditation on the Word of God and on things which are good, positive and just. Such meditation directs our minds away from thinking which is negative and inclined to produce depression.

5. Teach Coping Techniques. In somewhat formal language, one writer has compared those who resist depression with those who succumb:

The life histories of those individuals who are particularly resistant to depression, or resilient from depression, may have been filled with mastery; these people may have had extensive experience controlling and manipulating the sources of reinforcement in their lives, and may therefore see the future optimistically. Those people who are particularly sus­ceptible to depression may have had lives relatively devoid of mastery; their lives may have been full of situations in which they were helpless to influence their sources of suffering and relief.

Children and adults can be overprotected. This interferes with their ability to learn how to cope or to master the stresses of life. If people can see how others cope, and learn how to cope themselves, then circumstances seem less overwhelming and depression is less likely.

6. Provide Support. Emile Durkheim, who wrote a classic book on suicide, discovered that religious people were less suicide-prone than those who were nonbelievers. The reason for this, Durkheim believed, was that religion integrated people into groups. Less lonely and isolated, these people are less inclined to get depressed or to attempt suicide. The church, and other social institutions, can become therapeutic communi­ties where people feel welcome and accepted.


A concerned group of people who have learned to be caring can do much to soften the trauma of crises and provide strength and help in times of need. Aware that they are not alone, people in crises are able to cope better and thus avoid severe depression.

7. Reach Out. Alcoholics Anonymous has demonstrated conclusively that needy people help themselves when they reach out to assist others. This is known as the “helper-therapy” principle. In its simplest form it states: those who help are the ones who benefit and are helped the most. When we reach out to help other people, including depressed people, this does wonders to keep ourselves from being depressed.


Of course, the motive for helping is important. Healing is unlikely if someone concludes selfishly, “I don’t care about others but I’ll help if this is the only way for me to get better.” But when there is a joyful reaching out, everyone is helped and depression is reduced. The stimulation of a helping community, therefore, is one indirect way to prevent depression.

8. Encourage Physical Fitness. Since poor diet and lack of exercise can make people depression-prone, people should always be encouraged— by word and by example—to take care of their bodies. A healthy body is less susceptible to mental as well as physical illness.

Conclusions about Depression

Vance Havner, the preacher who was mentioned in the first paragraph of this chapter, once hoped that his dying wife would be healed through some miracle. But she died and Havner was plunged into grief. Although he did not understand why this happened, he concluded that God makes no mistakes.

Whoever thinks he has the ways of God conveniently tabulated, analyzed, and correlated with convenient, glib answers to ease every question from aching hearts has not been far in this maze of mystery we call life and death... . He has no stereotyped way of doing what He does. He delivered Peter from prison but left John the Baptist in a dungeon to die... . At this writing I never knew less how to explain the ways of Providence but I never had more confidence in my God. . . . I accept whatever He does, however He does it.


This man was deeply saddened when his wife died, but probably he never became depressed. He had a realistic perspective on life and death. This is a perspective which can help both counselors and counselees to deal effectively with the problem of depression.