Personality Types: People Who Need People vs. Private Persons
By Dr H. Norman Wright
E’s (for Extrovert, remember) are social creatures. “People energy” is what they feed on. They’re approachable by friends and strangers alike. Sometimes they may tend to dominate a conversation. Invite them to a six-hour party and they’re on cloud nine. At the end of the party they’re wired and ready to go out with friends for coffee at Denny’s. They talk with everyone; in fact they may share too much too soon on a personal level.
E’s are not the best listeners. For them, listening is harder than talking. They may also have a tendency to interrupt. If they’re dating an I, they might spend the evening answering their own questions, and then thank the I for a great time. If they’re in a relationship, they tell others all about it. And they enter into relationships quite easily.
E’s have been described as walking mouths. Instead of thinking first they talk first, and really have no idea what they’re going to say until they hear themselves talking. They brainstorm out loud for the entire world to hear. The ideas they come up with aren’t set in concrete. They’re still working them out, but they let everyone else in on the process.
E’s typically like noise. They look forward to the interruptions of phone calls, and if the phone doesn’t ring they’ll start calling people. When they come home, they’ll turn on the TV and/or stereo even though they don’t watch or listen. It’s noise.
If E’s are in a relationship, they become lonely when their partner isn’t there. They look forward to doing things with their partner rather than just sitting around. You would think that E’s are very secure, the way they connect with people; but they have a high need for affirmation and compliments from everyone, especially significant people. They may think they’ve done a good job, but they won’t believe it until they hear it from someone else. They may ask you for your opinion, too.
I’s and the Preference of Privacy
At the other extreme from E’s, I’s are drained by people. They need to “energize” during downtime or by being alone. Often they’re seen as shy or reserved. They prefer to share their time with one other person or a few close friends. They are usually quiet among strangers. They love privacy and quiet time to themselves. They learn how to concentrate and shut out noise.
Invite I’s to a six-hour party and they respond, “Six hours! You’ve got to be kidding. What will I do for six hours? I’d be wiped out!” So they go late, talk to selected people one at a time and leave early. That’s comfortable for them.
I’s are good listeners and hate to be interrupted when they talk. When they’re in a relationship they tend to keep their thoughts to themselves and wish their partner would too, if he or she is an E. Also, I’s tend to be cautious in entering into a new relationship.
I’s need to formulate what they’re going to say in the privacy of their minds before they’re ready to share it. If pressured to give an immediate, quick answer, their minds shut down. They usually respond with, “Let me think about that,” or “I’ll get back to you on this.”
When asked a question. I’s usually take an average of seven seconds before responding. (The problem is, if the other person is an E, they usually wait about a second and a half before jumping in to give an answer.) I’s wish other people would rehearse their thoughts as they do. They carry on great conversations with themselves, including what the other person said, then what they themselves said, what the other person said, etc. They can do this so realistically that they believe the conversation actually occurred. You can imagine what misunderstandings this could cause.
I’s are suspicious of compliments. In turn they may be sparse in giving them. So if an I’s partner is an E, what might this do to the relationship? When I’s are in a relationship, they can handle the other person being gone quite well. In a dating setting they may prefer just being with the other person, without a lot of activity and noise.
What about you? Do you see yourself as an E or an I? What about your partner? On the following graph, indicate where you see yourself by placing your initials there. Then indicate where you perceive your partner on the scale.
I’s and E’s Together?
Can an I and an E be compatible? What if they’re extreme? You may assume that two I’s and two E’s would be more compatible because of their similarities. But other aspects of our personalities need to be factored in because they also play a part in the compatibility equation. Frankly, any two personality combinations take work.
A couple in which one is an E and the other an I may experience more excitement and romance in their relationship. The downside is they may have to work harder at being compatible. Those couples who have the same preference or who are closer together may find that compatibility comes more easily; but they will need to work on bringing stimulating ideas and resources into their relationship. If not, they could get into a rut! The very factor that attracted the E and I to each other before marriage can be the major issue of conflict after marriage, as each person’s preference will seem more extreme.
What can two different personality types do to be compatible?
a) Accept and verbally praise your partner’s difference and uniqueness. Don’t try to make him or her into a revised edition of yourself
b) Praise God for the strengths in each preference, such as the E’s ability to connect socially and the I’s stability, strength and depth of thinking.
c) Es need to remember that I’s can be exhausted by superficial socializing. They will prefer less frequent get-togethers with just a few people, particularly those they are comfortable with. An E can help in a large gathering of people by not introducing their partner to everyone, making them the center of attention, talking too loud, revealing personal items about their relationship, calling on them to pray out loud or asking them a question which requires an immediate response. An E could also single out for a partner individuals with whom he would be comfortable in a one-on-one conversation.
Sensor vs. Intuitive
The next set of preferences has a profound impact on communication and intimacy in your relationship. They reflect what sort of information you gather, how you gather it and the way you pay attention to it. You’re either what we call a Sensor or an intuitive.
S Is for Sensory Perceptors
If you are a Sensor, you’re keyed into information that you receive through your senses. What you pay attention to are the facts and details of situations. This is what you perceive, or notice—it’s what you believe. What’s it like being a Sensor (S)? It really shows up in communication. When you ask a question, you want a specific answer. If you ask your partner, “What time should I meet you?” and she says. “Around four” that just won’t do it. You may ask, “Does that mean 3:55, 4:00 or 4:05?’ You’re that literal.
If someone asks you if you have the time, you say “Yes—but you don’t tell them until they ask. You force others to be specific. You don’t assume.
If you’re an S and you’re looking at something to purchase and your partner says. “It’s a good deal. It’s less than $100,” that won’t do, either. You want the bottom line. (Remember, the stronger your preference in this area, the more you are like this. If you’re more toward the middle of the scale, the less intense you are.)
As an S you tend to be a focused person. You have a high level of concentration on what you’re doing now—at the present. The future? Deal with it when it arrives. Don’t waste time wondering what’s next.
You’re a doer. If you have a choice between sitting around thinking about something and performing a task, there’s no question as to what you’ll do. And you want to invest your efforts in tasks that yield results you can see. You’re a factual person. Theories don’t thrill you, but good old facts do. This probably affects the type and style of preaching and teaching you respond to. When you hear something from another person you want it sequentially-—A to B to C to D. You don’t like it when others meander off the path.
S’s have little use for fantasy. They wonder why people assume, speculate and imagine. What good does it do? One of their biggest frustrations is when others don’t give them clear guidelines or instructions. After all, they are very explicit and detailed when they tell someone something. So it really bothers them when they receive instructions that are just general guidelines. They have difficulty seeing the overall plan of something because they focus in on what they’re doing—they see the individual tree but not the forest.
When it comes to money (which can be a source for major conflict in a relationship) S’s are very exacting. Money to them is very tangible. When they have it they can use it, but only as much as the amount allows). The S’s view of money is that it’s a tool to be used. That’s it. In a relationship they probably look at money realistically, rather than through rose-colored glasses. Predictability in a relationship gives them a sense of security, whereas change throws them. As a relationship progresses and grows, they want to know where they stand. They want explicit signs of commitment such as formal announcements, rings, etc. They’re open to hearing and considering others’ input about a relationship, but they also have very clear roles and expectations for their relationships.
N’s and the Intuitive World
If your preference is intuition, the way you respond to the world is not through the five senses or by means of facts, but on the basis of your “sixth sense” or “hunches.” Details and facts have their place (perhaps), but you can easily become bored with them. You don’t take things at face value; instead, you look for the underlying meaning of relationships. You look for possibilities, and your focus is not on the here-and-now but the future.
N’s are sometimes perceived as a bit absentminded. Why? Simply because they like to think of several things at once. Sometimes it’s difficult to concentrate on what’s going on at the moment because the future has so many intriguing possibilities. N’s live for the future. Today? Its purpose is to help get ready for tomorrow!
N’s have a unique way of dealing with time—to them it’s relative. They may have a watch, but it doesn’t help them be on time. “Late” doesn’t register with them unless an event has started without them. They may also be late because they tried to do too much before they left.
Can you begin to see now how an S and an N might be attracted to one another? The staunch, staid, responsible one may admire the free-spirited butterfly. But can you also see the potential for driving each other up the wall with these same tendencies after the infatuation and honeymoon bliss wears off? As S’s are seen as rock-stable persons, N’s are creative. Their minds seem always to be in motion figuring out things just for the fun of it.
Dr. Dave Stoop shares a choice example of the difference in the way an N and an S live life.
Intuitive people do things quickly. They start down the hill and soon find a ski jump. As they fly through the air, they land at the bottom of the hill. It took them less than a minute to get there, and they sit down and wait for their sensing spouses. When those people finally arrive, the intuitive people ask them, “What on earth took you so long?” After the sensing people relate all that they have seen on the way down the mountain, they stop and ask the intuitive people, “How did you get here?” INtuitive people can only say, “I don’t know how, but I got here.” Sensing people then reply, “It may take me longer, but at least I know how I got here.” The sensing people see a lot of the details as well, whereas intuitive people are so quick to jump to a conclusion, they miss the details and sometimes miss out on the joy of the moment.
Instead of accepting things at face value, N’s want to probe deeper, always asking, ‘Why is it this way?” They can drive an S crazy with their inquisitive, speculative nature, as with their general answers even to specific questions. N’s tend to see the forest rather than the individual trees, so specifics slip by them. On the other hand, even if they’re sitting and looking at the forest they may not see it because their minds are elsewhere.
N’s tend to view relationships optimistically, at times even unrealistically. The subtle indications that a relationship is progressing are important—signs such as gifts, cards and remembering special dates. Change and variation in their relationship is very important. If others raise any concerns about their partner, they tend to turn a deaf ear. They spend time thinking about the ideal relationship and tend to overlook reality. They believe that the roles and expectations of a relationship are negotiable and open to change.
It’s interesting to note the differences between S’s and N’s when it comes to dating. For an S a date begins when you get together. Not so for an N. A date can start when the first arrangements are made. They think and fantasize about the date—and all the possibilities—for weeks. Once the date is over, they don’t concentrate on that experience; they are already thinking about the next one. Actually what occurs in their imagination is better than the real thing. On the second date the N might describe the first date in such a way that the S wonders if they were on the same date. Reality can become a bit distorted by the imagination.
How S’s and N’s Can Relate to Each Other
About 70 percent of our population are Sensors and 30 percent intuitive. What if you have a relationship with someone in the opposite camp?
You may want to read back through the preceding description and note the various possibilities. Remember that an S would prefer the N to respond more like an S, and the N would prefer the S to be more like an N. You will need to do two things: learn how to flex and accomplish this to some degree, but also let the other person be, realizing that he or she is contributing something to you that you don’t have. Here are some things to consider.
If you’re an S and your partner is an N, your partner will challenge you with possibilities you’ve never considered. Be willing to consider them, instead of immediately responding with a negative response. Accept the fact that what the N does or says will probably raise your anxiety over the risk factor. Sometimes N’s fail to notice something you’ve done for them, what you’ve served them, or new clothes or furniture. Let them know that it’s important to you for them to notice and comment. And if you’re an N, make it a point to do so. If you’re an S, you’re not responsible for the N’s restlessness or discontent. You haven’t caused it. And you can’t fix it, either.
An N can be frustrated when an S isn’t wildly enthusiastic about some of his dreams and ideas. But an S may be if the N presents them simply and factually, and suggests that his partner think about it. An N needs this in order to respond. Remember that your S partner will take care of routine details that you tend to overlook. Express your gratitude for this. An N needs to remember that what is said to an S will be taken at face value. In other words, literally.
S’s tend to use complete sentences when they speak, and they end these sentences with a period. It’s definite. Emphatic. But N’s spin out sentences that omit certain information they assume the other person knows—and they end the sentence with a dash. They’re tentative. So when these two types talk to one another, they listen to the other according to their specific trait and assume the other person is talking in the same way they talk.
Dr. Dave Stoop describes the intuitive mind as being in two parts. One part they’re conscious of, and one part they’re aware of but can’t activate. It’s like an iceberg—10 percent is above the water where it can be seen, 90 percent is underwater. The part they can’t articulate won’t pop to the surface for a couple of days or until someone helps them articulate it. Dave says,
It’s important to know that you will never find out what the dash of the intuitive person means by asking a question. If that is what you do, you will simply get a rehash of the information that has already been given. Instead, the sensing person must paraphrase back to the intuitive person what he or she heard the intuitive person say, and then allow the intuitive person to add to what has been said already. And this paraphrasing needs to be repeated until the intuitive person says, “Yes, that’s what I’ve been trying to say to you.”
When intuitive people write out a first draft of a note or memo and then look at what they wrote, they will often add more information between the lines or up the side of the paper with an arrow to show where that thought goes. They do this because when they write, they can see the part of the iceberg that is still underwater.
Unfortunately, both S’s and N’s often assume that their partner can read their minds. Major conflict is on the horizon unless these assumptions are dropped in favor of clarification. When an S talks he usually identifies the topic and moves through it factually and sequentially, although a bit unimaginatively for an N. But an N may start talking without identifying the subject, give three or four sentences of background material, go around the barn twice because they tend to be tangential in their thinking, and then arrive at the subject.
It helps to be aware of your personality type, but don’t envy someone else’s to the point that you apologize for who you are. God created all types, so it’s all right to be you! Remember: In developing a relationship you need to be who you are—don’t downplay your personality. Sometimes people think, If I’m really me they won’t like me, so I’ll mellow out. This is courtship deception.
As we look at these personality types remember that this is the way you were uniquely created. It’s your bent, your inclination, your preference. You could have been raised in an environment which stifled the development of this preference. Or it could have been a very positively reinforcing situation and you were encouraged to be who you are.
Remember, too, as we look at your preferences, that even though you are mainly one type or another, such as Extrovert vs. Introvert, that doesn’t mean that your personality doesn’t also incorporate some features of another type. Your preference or strength may be that of an Extrovert, but there will still be some of the Introvert in you.
Remember the word preferences. It’s like being either left- or right-handed. Even though you may be left-handed, this doesn’t mean you don’t use your right hand. You just prefer your left. You may prefer it strongly or just a bit. You rely upon one hand more and gravitate to it. This will always be your preference. But the older you become the more you learn to use your non-preferred hand as well.
So let’s consider who you are and who the other person is in your life. As you read the various statements to follow you will find that you agree with some, while others you won’t relate to as much. Occasionally you may find yourself in both of the preference sets, but most of the time one will be predominant.
Extrovert vs. Introvert
There are four pairs of preference possibilities in the Myers-Briggs structure. The first is Extroversion vs. Introversion.
Now, I’m sure you have your own definitions of what these mean, but it’s important to be clear about them. This is the way people prefer to interact with the environment or to be energized. To generalize, an Extrovert (E) gains energy from people, while an Introvert (I) is energized by being alone. Remember that distinction as we offer further details.
E’s: People Who Need People
E’s (for Extrovert, remember) are social creatures. “People energy” is what they feed on. They’re approachable by friends and strangers alike. Sometimes they may tend to dominate a conversation. Invite them to a six-hour party and they’re on cloud nine. At the end of the party they’re wired and ready to go out with friends for coffee at Denny’s. They talk with everyone; in fact they may share too much too soon on a personal level.
E’s are not the best listeners. For them, listening is harder than talking. They may also have a tendency to interrupt. If they’re dating an I, they might spend the evening answering their own questions, and then thank the I for a great time. If they’re in a relationship, they tell others all about it. And they enter into relationships quite easily.
E’s have been described as walking mouths. Instead of thinking first they talk first, and really have no idea what they’re going to say until they hear themselves talking. They brainstorm out loud for the entire world to hear. The ideas they come up with aren’t set in concrete. They’re still working them out, but they let everyone else in on the process.
E’s typically like noise. They look forward to the interruptions of phone calls, and if the phone doesn’t ring they’ll start calling people. When they come home, they’ll turn on the TV and/or stereo even though they don’t watch or listen. It’s noise.
If E’s are in a relationship, they become lonely when their partner isn’t there. They look forward to doing things with their partner rather than just sitting around. You would think that E’s are very secure, the way they connect with people; but they have a high need for affirmation and compliments from everyone, especially significant people. They may think they’ve done a good job, but they won’t believe it until they hear it from someone else. They may ask you for your opinion, too.
I’s and the Preference of Privacy
At the other extreme from E’s, I’s are drained by people. They need to “energize” during downtime or by being alone. Often they’re seen as shy or reserved. They prefer to share their time with one other person or a few close friends. They are usually quiet among strangers. They love privacy and quiet time to themselves. They learn how to concentrate and shut out noise.
Invite I’s to a six-hour party and they respond, “Six hours! You’ve got to be kidding. What will I do for six hours? I’d be wiped out!” So they go late, talk to selected people one at a time and leave early. That’s comfortable for them.
I’s are good listeners and hate to be interrupted when they talk. When they’re in a relationship they tend to keep their thoughts to themselves and wish their partner would too, if he or she is an E. Also, I’s tend to be cautious in entering into a new relationship.
I’s need to formulate what they’re going to say in the privacy of their minds before they’re ready to share it. If pressured to give an immediate, quick answer, their minds shut down. They usually respond with, “Let me think about that,” or “I’ll get back to you on this.”
When asked a question. I’s usually take an average of seven seconds before responding. (The problem is, if the other person is an E, they usually wait about a second and a half before jumping in to give an answer.) I’s wish other people would rehearse their thoughts as they do. They carry on great conversations with themselves, including what the other person said, then what they themselves said, what the other person said, etc. They can do this so realistically that they believe the conversation actually occurred. You can imagine what misunderstandings this could cause.
I’s are suspicious of compliments. In turn they may be sparse in giving them. So if an I’s partner is an E, what might this do to the relationship? When I’s are in a relationship, they can handle the other person being gone quite well. In a dating setting they may prefer just being with the other person, without a lot of activity and noise.
What about you? Do you see yourself as an E or an I? What about your partner? On the following graph, indicate where you see yourself by placing your initials there. Then indicate where you perceive your partner on the scale.
I’s and E’s Together?
Can an I and an E be compatible? What if they’re extreme? You may assume that two I’s and two E’s would be more compatible because of their similarities. But other aspects of our personalities need to be factored in because they also play a part in the compatibility equation. Frankly, any two personality combinations take work.
A couple in which one is an E and the other an I may experience more excitement and romance in their relationship. The downside is they may have to work harder at being compatible. Those couples who have the same preference or who are closer together may find that compatibility comes more easily; but they will need to work on bringing stimulating ideas and resources into their relationship. If not, they could get into a rut! The very factor that attracted the E and I to each other before marriage can be the major issue of conflict after marriage, as each person’s preference will seem more extreme.
What can two different personality types do to be compatible?
a) Accept and verbally praise your partner’s difference and uniqueness. Don’t try to make him or her into a revised edition of yourself
b) Praise God for the strengths in each preference, such as the E’s ability to connect socially and the I’s stability, strength and depth of thinking.
c) Es need to remember that I’s can be exhausted by superficial socializing. They will prefer less frequent get-togethers with just a few people, particularly those they are comfortable with. An E can help in a large gathering of people by not introducing their partner to everyone, making them the center of attention, talking too loud, revealing personal items about their relationship, calling on them to pray out loud or asking them a question which requires an immediate response. An E could also single out for a partner individuals with whom he would be comfortable in a one-on-one conversation.
Sensor vs. Intuitive
The next set of preferences has a profound impact on communication and intimacy in your relationship. They reflect what sort of information you gather, how you gather it and the way you pay attention to it. You’re either what we call a Sensor or an intuitive.
S Is for Sensory Perceptors
If you are a Sensor, you’re keyed into information that you receive through your senses. What you pay attention to are the facts and details of situations. This is what you perceive, or notice—it’s what you believe. What’s it like being a Sensor (S)? It really shows up in communication. When you ask a question, you want a specific answer. If you ask your partner, “What time should I meet you?” and she says. “Around four” that just won’t do it. You may ask, “Does that mean 3:55, 4:00 or 4:05?’ You’re that literal.
If someone asks you if you have the time, you say “Yes—but you don’t tell them until they ask. You force others to be specific. You don’t assume.
If you’re an S and you’re looking at something to purchase and your partner says. “It’s a good deal. It’s less than $100,” that won’t do, either. You want the bottom line. (Remember, the stronger your preference in this area, the more you are like this. If you’re more toward the middle of the scale, the less intense you are.)
As an S you tend to be a focused person. You have a high level of concentration on what you’re doing now—at the present. The future? Deal with it when it arrives. Don’t waste time wondering what’s next.
You’re a doer. If you have a choice between sitting around thinking about something and performing a task, there’s no question as to what you’ll do. And you want to invest your efforts in tasks that yield results you can see. You’re a factual person. Theories don’t thrill you, but good old facts do. This probably affects the type and style of preaching and teaching you respond to. When you hear something from another person you want it sequentially-—A to B to C to D. You don’t like it when others meander off the path.
S’s have little use for fantasy. They wonder why people assume, speculate and imagine. What good does it do? One of their biggest frustrations is when others don’t give them clear guidelines or instructions. After all, they are very explicit and detailed when they tell someone something. So it really bothers them when they receive instructions that are just general guidelines. They have difficulty seeing the overall plan of something because they focus in on what they’re doing—they see the individual tree but not the forest.
When it comes to money (which can be a source for major conflict in a relationship) S’s are very exacting. Money to them is very tangible. When they have it they can use it, but only as much as the amount allows). The S’s view of money is that it’s a tool to be used. That’s it. In a relationship they probably look at money realistically, rather than through rose-colored glasses. Predictability in a relationship gives them a sense of security, whereas change throws them. As a relationship progresses and grows, they want to know where they stand. They want explicit signs of commitment such as formal announcements, rings, etc. They’re open to hearing and considering others’ input about a relationship, but they also have very clear roles and expectations for their relationships.
N’s and the Intuitive World
If your preference is intuition, the way you respond to the world is not through the five senses or by means of facts, but on the basis of your “sixth sense” or “hunches.” Details and facts have their place (perhaps), but you can easily become bored with them. You don’t take things at face value; instead, you look for the underlying meaning of relationships. You look for possibilities, and your focus is not on the here-and-now but the future.
N’s are sometimes perceived as a bit absentminded. Why? Simply because they like to think of several things at once. Sometimes it’s difficult to concentrate on what’s going on at the moment because the future has so many intriguing possibilities. N’s live for the future. Today? Its purpose is to help get ready for tomorrow!
N’s have a unique way of dealing with time—to them it’s relative. They may have a watch, but it doesn’t help them be on time. “Late” doesn’t register with them unless an event has started without them. They may also be late because they tried to do too much before they left.
Can you begin to see now how an S and an N might be attracted to one another? The staunch, staid, responsible one may admire the free-spirited butterfly. But can you also see the potential for driving each other up the wall with these same tendencies after the infatuation and honeymoon bliss wears off? As S’s are seen as rock-stable persons, N’s are creative. Their minds seem always to be in motion figuring out things just for the fun of it.
Dr. Dave Stoop shares a choice example of the difference in the way an N and an S live life.
Intuitive people do things quickly. They start down the hill and soon find a ski jump. As they fly through the air, they land at the bottom of the hill. It took them less than a minute to get there, and they sit down and wait for their sensing spouses. When those people finally arrive, the intuitive people ask them, “What on earth took you so long?” After the sensing people relate all that they have seen on the way down the mountain, they stop and ask the intuitive people, “How did you get here?” INtuitive people can only say, “I don’t know how, but I got here.” Sensing people then reply, “It may take me longer, but at least I know how I got here.” The sensing people see a lot of the details as well, whereas intuitive people are so quick to jump to a conclusion, they miss the details and sometimes miss out on the joy of the moment.
Instead of accepting things at face value, N’s want to probe deeper, always asking, ‘Why is it this way?” They can drive an S crazy with their inquisitive, speculative nature, as with their general answers even to specific questions. N’s tend to see the forest rather than the individual trees, so specifics slip by them. On the other hand, even if they’re sitting and looking at the forest they may not see it because their minds are elsewhere.
N’s tend to view relationships optimistically, at times even unrealistically. The subtle indications that a relationship is progressing are important—signs such as gifts, cards and remembering special dates. Change and variation in their relationship is very important. If others raise any concerns about their partner, they tend to turn a deaf ear. They spend time thinking about the ideal relationship and tend to overlook reality. They believe that the roles and expectations of a relationship are negotiable and open to change.
It’s interesting to note the differences between S’s and N’s when it comes to dating. For an S a date begins when you get together. Not so for an N. A date can start when the first arrangements are made. They think and fantasize about the date—and all the possibilities—for weeks. Once the date is over, they don’t concentrate on that experience; they are already thinking about the next one. Actually what occurs in their imagination is better than the real thing. On the second date the N might describe the first date in such a way that the S wonders if they were on the same date. Reality can become a bit distorted by the imagination.
How S’s and N’s Can Relate to Each Other
About 70 percent of our population are Sensors and 30 percent intuitive. What if you have a relationship with someone in the opposite camp?
You may want to read back through the preceding description and note the various possibilities. Remember that an S would prefer the N to respond more like an S, and the N would prefer the S to be more like an N. You will need to do two things: learn how to flex and accomplish this to some degree, but also let the other person be, realizing that he or she is contributing something to you that you don’t have. Here are some things to consider.
If you’re an S and your partner is an N, your partner will challenge you with possibilities you’ve never considered. Be willing to consider them, instead of immediately responding with a negative response. Accept the fact that what the N does or says will probably raise your anxiety over the risk factor. Sometimes N’s fail to notice something you’ve done for them, what you’ve served them, or new clothes or furniture. Let them know that it’s important to you for them to notice and comment. And if you’re an N, make it a point to do so. If you’re an S, you’re not responsible for the N’s restlessness or discontent. You haven’t caused it. And you can’t fix it, either.
An N can be frustrated when an S isn’t wildly enthusiastic about some of his dreams and ideas. But an S may be if the N presents them simply and factually, and suggests that his partner think about it. An N needs this in order to respond. Remember that your S partner will take care of routine details that you tend to overlook. Express your gratitude for this. An N needs to remember that what is said to an S will be taken at face value. In other words, literally.
S’s tend to use complete sentences when they speak, and they end these sentences with a period. It’s definite. Emphatic. But N’s spin out sentences that omit certain information they assume the other person knows—and they end the sentence with a dash. They’re tentative. So when these two types talk to one another, they listen to the other according to their specific trait and assume the other person is talking in the same way they talk.
Dr. Dave Stoop describes the intuitive mind as being in two parts. One part they’re conscious of, and one part they’re aware of but can’t activate. It’s like an iceberg—10 percent is above the water where it can be seen, 90 percent is underwater. The part they can’t articulate won’t pop to the surface for a couple of days or until someone helps them articulate it. Dave says,
It’s important to know that you will never find out what the dash of the intuitive person means by asking a question. If that is what you do, you will simply get a rehash of the information that has already been given. Instead, the sensing person must paraphrase back to the intuitive person what he or she heard the intuitive person say, and then allow the intuitive person to add to what has been said already. And this paraphrasing needs to be repeated until the intuitive person says, “Yes, that’s what I’ve been trying to say to you.”
When intuitive people write out a first draft of a note or memo and then look at what they wrote, they will often add more information between the lines or up the side of the paper with an arrow to show where that thought goes. They do this because when they write, they can see the part of the iceberg that is still underwater.
Unfortunately, both S’s and N’s often assume that their partner can read their minds. Major conflict is on the horizon unless these assumptions are dropped in favor of clarification. When an S talks he usually identifies the topic and moves through it factually and sequentially, although a bit unimaginatively for an N. But an N may start talking without identifying the subject, give three or four sentences of background material, go around the barn twice because they tend to be tangential in their thinking, and then arrive at the subject.
posted by Jowl at
9:20 PM
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